The pointless tidy up before a play date.
You Might Also Like
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Barbie gone wild
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….