I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
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Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.