[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
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[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
North and South