[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
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If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.