“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
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I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
I’m not wrong
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS