“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
You Might Also Like
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
When you’re Kinky but poor
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
okay run it by me one more time
peep davidson
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*