“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
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In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Florida be like…
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head