Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
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*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.