Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
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*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.