God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
You Might Also Like
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass