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The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Life hack
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”