Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
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Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
called in thicc to work this morning
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick