*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
You Might Also Like
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
then why did i get this email
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.