Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
You Might Also Like
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Bootstraps
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”