Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
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I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?