(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
You Might Also Like
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work