A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
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Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
This is always good for a laugh.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.