Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
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Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
yeet
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.