why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
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My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?