employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
You Might Also Like
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry