Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
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Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
“I wouldn’t.”
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?