Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
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WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Who needs an Air Fryer?
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet