People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
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This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.