Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
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12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
fly smarter, not harder
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once