[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
You Might Also Like
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
I didn’t come here to be called names
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
was Jim off killing horses or…
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
I have questions??
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.