Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
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Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.