Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
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I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him