The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
You Might Also Like
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.