my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
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I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.