The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
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Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.