Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
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MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.