HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
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I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Breaking news:
Saturday
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
This is my brand.