THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
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If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Celery is depressing green water wafers.