[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
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Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
The Backseat Boys
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
this chia pet tastes awful
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks