Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
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hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
another case of gang violins
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives