Me when my alarm goes off
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Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I just stopped by to water my horse.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Worth a try