My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
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I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I’m calling the cops.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.