I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
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I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account