Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
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Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.