Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
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If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Watermelon Boss!
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
My diet starts in January
of 2027
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?