I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
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[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Just a reminder, folks:
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Me trying to reach for my goals
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.