me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
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Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate