“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
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I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)