me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
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My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Sorry. Not sorry
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.