[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
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Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Sticker placement is key.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”