ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
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HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
A fake ID that makes you younger
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word