There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
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Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Morning my dudes.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him