My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
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can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Doggies just call it style.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
fr
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics