*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
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I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
#merica
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something