Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
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Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.